How To Order A Martini

At the request of a few friends who told me in confidence that, although they drink martinis at home, they never order martinis when in a restaurant or lounge for fear of embarrassing themselves (and you know who you are) by incorrectly ordering, I recommend ordering a vodka martini as follows (omit all language between brackets when ordering):

"[BRAND OF VODKA (e.g., Kettle, Luksosowa, Grey Goose, etc.)] martini, up, shaken, no vermouth, three olives".  One can substitute a "twist" (e.g., lemon twist) for olives, if desired, and can request that the martini be "dirty" (e.g., add a bit of olive juice to the cocktail).

What does it all mean?

          [BRAND OF VODKA (e.g., Kettle, Luksosowa, Grey Goose, etc.)] martini = martini with my choice of vodka

          shaken = I want the vodka cold and oxygenated, preferably with small bubbles and ice crystals still swirling through the mix

          up = no ice

          no vermouth = bone dry (e.g., not sweet)

        three olives (alternatively, a twist) = I want to add an essence of another flavor to this drink, but still retain its purity and sophistication

          dirty = I want the olive juice added to my cocktail to provide additional olive flavor and salt.  By the way, do not request a "dirty" martini with a twist - its simply gross.

I hope that this will make my bashful friends a bit more comfortable.

Cheers.